"Departed, lost, vanished, no longer to be had"/"One lost or forsaken by friends"
*sigh*
Spent another little while with my bottle of tears tonight. I should write a poem.
Something about getting drunk on my bottle of tears... While my fragile heart is shattered like glass... Broken and bleeding, staining my sleeves... Because that's how I wear it... Even when torn asunder...
How utterly depressing.
Departed... Vanished... No longer to be had... Lost or forsaken by friends...
Kind of where my heart is right now. Is it a bad thing? Only because I constantly feel lonely. In a life surrounded by family and friends who have shown their love, I still feel loosely disconnected. Not sure why. Then again, I can't think of anyone who's gone through a semi-midlife crisis at 20. Huh.
It's been a time of ripping and wounding, a time of healing and re-prioritizing; some of it needed to happen, some of it really didn't. The part where I broke up with my boyfriend, who I'd been with over a year? Yeah, needed to happen- that re-prioritizing thing. But the part where my best friend leaves, moving halfway across the country, now living 1000 miles away, and not even trying to keep up our friendship? (Who is now back in town for 10 days, causing me an emotional whirlwind- first the breakup, now the revisitation?) That was unnecessary. And ridiculous. God, what are you up to? Because that hurt. You remember me, your Daddy's little girl? Your little princess? Yeah, I'm hurting. Because not only are these things being ripped from me... I'm never going to get them back. Maybe that's what hurts the most. It's like an amputation.
Father, show me Your will... Encourage me with your word, that I'm going through this for a reason! My heart needs You! I need You...
Abba... Your daughter is crying out to you.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Cár nwalma
Headache.
This whole week has been an impending headache; it's been coiling and growing like a venomous serpent, ready to strike and knock me out. Ugh, it happened.
Tuesday... Did not turn out so great. What was meant to be a few close friends talking with me about stuff that happened between me and the guy-who-I'm-no-longer-dating, well... It turned into a hang-out session. Which I super-disliked. Not that I normally mind hanging out, but I've really kinda not been in the mood this week. Completely understandable. Sometimes I'm frustrated when my friends don't really act like my friends. Also understandable. Tuesday... The only helpful, healing discussion that was done happened with my brother later that night. But while I was there, one friend basically told me "I told you so"... Another listed all the ways he thought breaking up with a long-distance significant other would be hard (he hit it on ever point... curse him. He just made it so much worse)... And another barely said a word to me, even though the point was to be helping ease my mind and heart.
A lot of good they did.
Here I am, still thinking about it, still wishing things were back to the way they were before, with the closeness I shared with him. I miss it. I miss him. I'm starting to cry even as I write this. Maybe spilling my feelings out in words will help? God only knows. I've talked with Him a lot about this... He was right. I need someone who is going to lead me spiritually and not drag me down. I'm a strong young woman, but I still need a man who will take charge. That guy... wasn't him. And it hurts. As a dear friend put so well, everything that is not good about me is being ripped from myself, and it hurts like hell, but I rejoice, because I know it's how God's shaping me into the woman He wants me to be.
With each wound, I see a little more of Him. Maybe I'm catching on. This whole thing has been a learning experience, that's for sure. And throughout it all, Africa is still on my heart. Hmm. I've made decisions concerning my future. I see God in them. I'm excited; I know I can't live in the past, (or future), but I can let the memories heal me and keep me on my toes and in His arms. God is doing great things in my life, my friends. And I'm seeing how I need to be open to it.
I'm rambling, I know, I'm sorry. I'll go get horizontal now. Gotta clean out my car before heading to a bridal shower tomorrow. Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ!
<3
This whole week has been an impending headache; it's been coiling and growing like a venomous serpent, ready to strike and knock me out. Ugh, it happened.
Tuesday... Did not turn out so great. What was meant to be a few close friends talking with me about stuff that happened between me and the guy-who-I'm-no-longer-dating, well... It turned into a hang-out session. Which I super-disliked. Not that I normally mind hanging out, but I've really kinda not been in the mood this week. Completely understandable. Sometimes I'm frustrated when my friends don't really act like my friends. Also understandable. Tuesday... The only helpful, healing discussion that was done happened with my brother later that night. But while I was there, one friend basically told me "I told you so"... Another listed all the ways he thought breaking up with a long-distance significant other would be hard (he hit it on ever point... curse him. He just made it so much worse)... And another barely said a word to me, even though the point was to be helping ease my mind and heart.
A lot of good they did.
Here I am, still thinking about it, still wishing things were back to the way they were before, with the closeness I shared with him. I miss it. I miss him. I'm starting to cry even as I write this. Maybe spilling my feelings out in words will help? God only knows. I've talked with Him a lot about this... He was right. I need someone who is going to lead me spiritually and not drag me down. I'm a strong young woman, but I still need a man who will take charge. That guy... wasn't him. And it hurts. As a dear friend put so well, everything that is not good about me is being ripped from myself, and it hurts like hell, but I rejoice, because I know it's how God's shaping me into the woman He wants me to be.
With each wound, I see a little more of Him. Maybe I'm catching on. This whole thing has been a learning experience, that's for sure. And throughout it all, Africa is still on my heart. Hmm. I've made decisions concerning my future. I see God in them. I'm excited; I know I can't live in the past, (or future), but I can let the memories heal me and keep me on my toes and in His arms. God is doing great things in my life, my friends. And I'm seeing how I need to be open to it.
I'm rambling, I know, I'm sorry. I'll go get horizontal now. Gotta clean out my car before heading to a bridal shower tomorrow. Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ!
<3
Monday, May 9, 2011
Rácina ar Ilya
Broken and Whole.
Tonight, I am both. I am broken, because I ended things with my first boyfriend ever, who I was with for over a year. I am whole, because I know that I did the right thing. See... When it came down to it, he was not willing to leave his place of comfort and get serious about God. My faith is growing and I am learning as I walk with God. He wouldn't even go to church. How can I be with someone when we are on two completely different spiritual planes? Here's the kicker, though... He made this decision consciously. That threw me off a lot. Why would anyone who claimed to love God choose not to be serious about it? A half-hearted love? A lukewarm love? One cannot truly love another unless one loves God. So, when it came down to it... He chose to walk his own way, and leave me and God staring open mouthed at him in confusion. Well, I suppose God knew what was going on... So I was the only open mouthed, confused one. Sometimes, I don't understand why things happen; and sometimes, I understand all too well. I know that because things are the way they are, it had to end. What I don't get is why things are the way they are. Granted, I wouldn't want my former boyfriend to change for me- that would completely throw off my motivation for being with him. But I do want him to change for himself. I want him to let God do such a number on his heart that there's no going back, and he would be the awesomest man ever.
But alas, it was not meant to be. As long as he decides to sit on the fence comfortably instead of doing something about it, we can't be together. How is he taking it? I'm not sure. He says he'll be okay, but I think it's harder on him than he's letting on. Maybe even harder than he thinks. Who knows. I just know I don't have the heart to call him my "ex"- it has such a negative connotation. "Former boyfriend" and "first boyfriend" suit him just fine. I still love him, and that's not going to change for a while. It's not like when people break up, the love automatically dissipates like a morning mist in the sun. It takes time. Healing takes time.
Well, I'm okay. I've been surrounded by love and support from those who love me; I've received a barrage of texts from my darling friends, and set a date with my big brother to talk. Even my aunt came to see me and talk tonight when I was working, because she had heard about what was going on from my cousin, her daughter-in-law. Awesome. The good ol' family grapevine. I'm not complaining, though. She's my favorite aunt and I love her.
People keep saying they're proud of me for standing up for my faith and my beliefs and doing what I knew was right... But if I had just listened to God in the first place, none of this would have happened. I'm not saying I regret it, not at all; I know God is always teaching through circumstances. I just wish sometimes it didn't have to be me who was doing the learning.
:(
Tonight, I am both. I am broken, because I ended things with my first boyfriend ever, who I was with for over a year. I am whole, because I know that I did the right thing. See... When it came down to it, he was not willing to leave his place of comfort and get serious about God. My faith is growing and I am learning as I walk with God. He wouldn't even go to church. How can I be with someone when we are on two completely different spiritual planes? Here's the kicker, though... He made this decision consciously. That threw me off a lot. Why would anyone who claimed to love God choose not to be serious about it? A half-hearted love? A lukewarm love? One cannot truly love another unless one loves God. So, when it came down to it... He chose to walk his own way, and leave me and God staring open mouthed at him in confusion. Well, I suppose God knew what was going on... So I was the only open mouthed, confused one. Sometimes, I don't understand why things happen; and sometimes, I understand all too well. I know that because things are the way they are, it had to end. What I don't get is why things are the way they are. Granted, I wouldn't want my former boyfriend to change for me- that would completely throw off my motivation for being with him. But I do want him to change for himself. I want him to let God do such a number on his heart that there's no going back, and he would be the awesomest man ever.
But alas, it was not meant to be. As long as he decides to sit on the fence comfortably instead of doing something about it, we can't be together. How is he taking it? I'm not sure. He says he'll be okay, but I think it's harder on him than he's letting on. Maybe even harder than he thinks. Who knows. I just know I don't have the heart to call him my "ex"- it has such a negative connotation. "Former boyfriend" and "first boyfriend" suit him just fine. I still love him, and that's not going to change for a while. It's not like when people break up, the love automatically dissipates like a morning mist in the sun. It takes time. Healing takes time.
Well, I'm okay. I've been surrounded by love and support from those who love me; I've received a barrage of texts from my darling friends, and set a date with my big brother to talk. Even my aunt came to see me and talk tonight when I was working, because she had heard about what was going on from my cousin, her daughter-in-law. Awesome. The good ol' family grapevine. I'm not complaining, though. She's my favorite aunt and I love her.
People keep saying they're proud of me for standing up for my faith and my beliefs and doing what I knew was right... But if I had just listened to God in the first place, none of this would have happened. I'm not saying I regret it, not at all; I know God is always teaching through circumstances. I just wish sometimes it didn't have to be me who was doing the learning.
:(
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Yára Melindor
"Old Lovers." (Old 'flames')
It's kind of funny how those with whom you once had relatively intense attachments to can make such a difference in your life, even when the attachment is gone. Or even just changed.
Just recently, like within the past month, two of my very special guy friends that I used to have strong ties with have gotten back in touch with me. One of them, we met on a roleplaying site; he was Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and I played the princess Kidagakash (a.k.a. Kida) from Atlantis: The Lost Continent. We quickly connected and grew close, sharing all aspects of our lives together. I was going through a really tough time with my dad and school, and he was my rock. He wrote me poetry and called me his angel. His sweetness and quiet strength was exactly what I needed. I grew away from the site as my life got better, and I missed the closeness we once had. Just recently we met back up on the same site; it was as if nothing had ever changed. He still called me angel, wrote me a poem... Despite circumstances in his life, he was still my quiet strength. We exchanged phone numbers and began texting each other every once in a while. I asked him on one occasion what would happen if he found another girl to call angel; he told me that she would get another name. He would only ever have one angel. It made my heart melt. He just texted me today, telling me he was thinking about me, hoping that I was happy. Of course I spilled my heart to him, and he listened patiently. Just like he's always done. I never realized until just now how hard it must be on him to have to be friends with me, when he wants more. It must hurt. I'm sorry, Josh. It was never intentional- the pain. Please move on and find another girl who deserves you!
The other man is Zack. We met a few years ago on IMVU. He not only listened to my problems, but he also offered his advice and told me some tough things- things I needed to hear. If I lived closer to him, he might be the man for me. But living all the way across the continent from me, twice as far as my boyfriend now, would just be too hard. Worse than the long distance I have now. He has a pet name for me too- he calls me "love." It's comforting and familiar. I had told him when I started dating my boyfriend that he wasn't allowed to call me that anymore; I'm glad he didn't listen. But he still offers his advice, and it just so happens that it usually lines up with what I know to be true and agree with.
Kinda funny how these guys have eased my mind and heart about things going on. I've missed talking with them. Ironic that men I used to like very much and have intimate connections with are still positively influencing my life, huh?
<3
It's kind of funny how those with whom you once had relatively intense attachments to can make such a difference in your life, even when the attachment is gone. Or even just changed.
Just recently, like within the past month, two of my very special guy friends that I used to have strong ties with have gotten back in touch with me. One of them, we met on a roleplaying site; he was Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and I played the princess Kidagakash (a.k.a. Kida) from Atlantis: The Lost Continent. We quickly connected and grew close, sharing all aspects of our lives together. I was going through a really tough time with my dad and school, and he was my rock. He wrote me poetry and called me his angel. His sweetness and quiet strength was exactly what I needed. I grew away from the site as my life got better, and I missed the closeness we once had. Just recently we met back up on the same site; it was as if nothing had ever changed. He still called me angel, wrote me a poem... Despite circumstances in his life, he was still my quiet strength. We exchanged phone numbers and began texting each other every once in a while. I asked him on one occasion what would happen if he found another girl to call angel; he told me that she would get another name. He would only ever have one angel. It made my heart melt. He just texted me today, telling me he was thinking about me, hoping that I was happy. Of course I spilled my heart to him, and he listened patiently. Just like he's always done. I never realized until just now how hard it must be on him to have to be friends with me, when he wants more. It must hurt. I'm sorry, Josh. It was never intentional- the pain. Please move on and find another girl who deserves you!
The other man is Zack. We met a few years ago on IMVU. He not only listened to my problems, but he also offered his advice and told me some tough things- things I needed to hear. If I lived closer to him, he might be the man for me. But living all the way across the continent from me, twice as far as my boyfriend now, would just be too hard. Worse than the long distance I have now. He has a pet name for me too- he calls me "love." It's comforting and familiar. I had told him when I started dating my boyfriend that he wasn't allowed to call me that anymore; I'm glad he didn't listen. But he still offers his advice, and it just so happens that it usually lines up with what I know to be true and agree with.
Kinda funny how these guys have eased my mind and heart about things going on. I've missed talking with them. Ironic that men I used to like very much and have intimate connections with are still positively influencing my life, huh?
<3
Friday, May 6, 2011
Lúrëa Coivië
"Overcast Life."
Life right now is so stressful. My day today was absolutely horrible due to that fact. I stayed up all night last night to get my friend to work on time (6:00a.m.) because I am NOT a morning person and would totally have slept through my alarm. Plus she went to Bible study last night only because I promised to help her stay up too. Otherwise she would have missed out on an awesome night of Jesus-loving. (Last night was amazing- the Spirit totally moved. TOTALLY.) We watched a couple movies, The Ringer and Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, to keep ourselves awake. She fell asleep. I didn't, thanks to Mtn. Dew and Stewart's Orange 'n' Cream soda. So I woke her up on time, took her to work, and then went home. I spent some time trying to stay awake until my boyfriend got up to go to work, but he didn't text me until after I had fallen asleep. Oh well. I spent the next five-ish hours sleeping on and off, but finally I just couldn't sleep at all and got up to do laundry. Played on the computer a bit, went to rescue my mom because she had locked her keys in the van.
I was GOING to take my dog with, but she decided she needed to take a crap in my car; she only got one turd out before I started a'yelling and a'hollering, and boy, did she stop that right quick. I had to ask God for forgiveness, because there were a bunch of words said that were completely unnecessary... Especially since my dog couldn't understand them. I'm really trying to quit cussing. It's not attractive. Anyway, I promptly turned around, dropped her (and her crap) back off at home, and went right back on my saving mission. Ugh. Made it back in time to shower, during which I had a long conversation with God about my life. Popped my laundry in the dryer and got to work 2 minutes late. Not a big deal. But that's when the crap started happening.
It was just one little thing after another. My boss was in a bad mood when I arrived; he kinda spreads it when he's unhappy. I had dumb-ass customers who really weren't using their brains, at all. I had a rush of customers when I was supposed to be closing, then once they were all gone and I was doing my reports, it was off by a freaking whole huge pile of money. I was so confused. Then after I finished up and re-did things, it matched. So dumb. And stressful. Took me an extra half hour to figure things out. Then another rush of customers in another area of the store. One of which had a malfunctioning machine, so I had to transfer their transaction to another one, shut down the uncooperative one, and then re-open it. Tonight just sucked. On top of all this, I had been texting my boyfriend, and we were discussing stuff. Like, whether or not we should stay together right now. (Currently we're arguing over the dumbest little stuff, but my horrible day has just put me in a mood not to deal with anything. I told him so, and he gets all offended. Smh. Can I never win?)
I'm tired. My back and feet are sore. My brain is fried and scrambled and burned. I just have no idea about my future, knowing that every decision I make now is going to affect the long run. Like school- do I try to go for the hospital college, or apply somewhere else? Or do I forget college here and move halfway across the country to be with my boyfriend? Because this whole long-distance thing isn't really working as well as I'd hoped it would. My jobs- do I stay at the one where I'm only getting scheduled 3 hours a week so I can keep my foot in the door, or do I quit and open my availability completely at my first job, where I'm a recently-promoted manager? Do I quit both jobs as soon as this semester's over an get my CNA license, which would give me a better paying job and a better foot-hold in the nursing industry, where my desired degree is headed? What do I do? I'm so confused. Prayers are appreciated... God and I are hashing it out.
Time for bed, totally. Maybe I just need to rest my mind. Love to all.
Life right now is so stressful. My day today was absolutely horrible due to that fact. I stayed up all night last night to get my friend to work on time (6:00a.m.) because I am NOT a morning person and would totally have slept through my alarm. Plus she went to Bible study last night only because I promised to help her stay up too. Otherwise she would have missed out on an awesome night of Jesus-loving. (Last night was amazing- the Spirit totally moved. TOTALLY.) We watched a couple movies, The Ringer and Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, to keep ourselves awake. She fell asleep. I didn't, thanks to Mtn. Dew and Stewart's Orange 'n' Cream soda. So I woke her up on time, took her to work, and then went home. I spent some time trying to stay awake until my boyfriend got up to go to work, but he didn't text me until after I had fallen asleep. Oh well. I spent the next five-ish hours sleeping on and off, but finally I just couldn't sleep at all and got up to do laundry. Played on the computer a bit, went to rescue my mom because she had locked her keys in the van.
I was GOING to take my dog with, but she decided she needed to take a crap in my car; she only got one turd out before I started a'yelling and a'hollering, and boy, did she stop that right quick. I had to ask God for forgiveness, because there were a bunch of words said that were completely unnecessary... Especially since my dog couldn't understand them. I'm really trying to quit cussing. It's not attractive. Anyway, I promptly turned around, dropped her (and her crap) back off at home, and went right back on my saving mission. Ugh. Made it back in time to shower, during which I had a long conversation with God about my life. Popped my laundry in the dryer and got to work 2 minutes late. Not a big deal. But that's when the crap started happening.
It was just one little thing after another. My boss was in a bad mood when I arrived; he kinda spreads it when he's unhappy. I had dumb-ass customers who really weren't using their brains, at all. I had a rush of customers when I was supposed to be closing, then once they were all gone and I was doing my reports, it was off by a freaking whole huge pile of money. I was so confused. Then after I finished up and re-did things, it matched. So dumb. And stressful. Took me an extra half hour to figure things out. Then another rush of customers in another area of the store. One of which had a malfunctioning machine, so I had to transfer their transaction to another one, shut down the uncooperative one, and then re-open it. Tonight just sucked. On top of all this, I had been texting my boyfriend, and we were discussing stuff. Like, whether or not we should stay together right now. (Currently we're arguing over the dumbest little stuff, but my horrible day has just put me in a mood not to deal with anything. I told him so, and he gets all offended. Smh. Can I never win?)
I'm tired. My back and feet are sore. My brain is fried and scrambled and burned. I just have no idea about my future, knowing that every decision I make now is going to affect the long run. Like school- do I try to go for the hospital college, or apply somewhere else? Or do I forget college here and move halfway across the country to be with my boyfriend? Because this whole long-distance thing isn't really working as well as I'd hoped it would. My jobs- do I stay at the one where I'm only getting scheduled 3 hours a week so I can keep my foot in the door, or do I quit and open my availability completely at my first job, where I'm a recently-promoted manager? Do I quit both jobs as soon as this semester's over an get my CNA license, which would give me a better paying job and a better foot-hold in the nursing industry, where my desired degree is headed? What do I do? I'm so confused. Prayers are appreciated... God and I are hashing it out.
Time for bed, totally. Maybe I just need to rest my mind. Love to all.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Yulmanya ná Penquanta
(I told you I'd be back tonight.)
"My cup is full to the brim/overflowing."
I am happy tonight. After a short shift at work, a mere 3 hours, I went to a restaurant with a bunch of friends from Bible study. We had conversation, laughter, and horrible service. I saw a couple friends who are back in town, if only briefly. But I still saw them. I thank God for the friends I have. But I need to get to know them better. I was texting one of them today, a guy that I used to have the BIGGEST crush on. He's tall, and really really ridiculously good-looking. He plays guitar and piano and drums and probably anything else he's ever set his hands on. He's good at EVERYTHING. He can carve pipes and tiki men. The guy that every woman falls for and every man is jealous of. That's the guy I fell for too. But that's in the past. Anyway, I was telling him I realized how very little I knew my friends! Which is sad. Between work and school schedules, I need to fit more time in for my friends. This guy told me that we'd have to have lunch sometime, and then he'd tell all. Hmm... *Is thinking he should have asked about 2 years ago before I met my boyfriend*
Speaking of my boyfriend... I love him. <3 Truly and honestly. He's the first guy I ever dated. We technically met online. We've been with each other in person 4 times, over a span of 1 year and almost 2 months of being a couple. When we're together, it's like everything is okay, and I am so calm and peaceful around him. Of course, my mind calm and peaceful leads to me being laid back, which leads to me not caring as much if things get out of hand- physically I mean. We haven't had sex, but definitely gone too far. So, over a year into our relationship, we finally set some boundaries about physicality. No touching under clothes; no touching over clothes in 3 "hot spots" on my body and the 1 "hot spot" on his. Kissing and cuddling is a necessity; but lips do not need to wander to any naturally unexposed skin. No pulling clothing aside. Strict? Yes. Necessary? YES. If we wanna keep our relationship pure and honoring God, then we need to behave a lot more than we have been. And as much as I love my guy, I just wish he had brought it up, so I wouldn't have to. He's a Christian too; but he doesn't seem to take it as seriously as I do/think as much about it. *sigh* I don't want to feel like I'm settling for less than what God's best for me is. But right now, I don't feel like my boyfriend IS God's best. I mean, there's no way we would be together if it weren't for Him. I just don't see how my man is living up to God's standard right now though- if we stay together in the long run, it will be because God has done a major work in my guy's heart. And I pray for it every day.
Anyway... I guess I'll stop rambling about my insecurity of the evening and head to bed. Got a shift at my OTHER job tomorrow. A short one, but still. It's work. Love to all.
"My cup is full to the brim/overflowing."
I am happy tonight. After a short shift at work, a mere 3 hours, I went to a restaurant with a bunch of friends from Bible study. We had conversation, laughter, and horrible service. I saw a couple friends who are back in town, if only briefly. But I still saw them. I thank God for the friends I have. But I need to get to know them better. I was texting one of them today, a guy that I used to have the BIGGEST crush on. He's tall, and really really ridiculously good-looking. He plays guitar and piano and drums and probably anything else he's ever set his hands on. He's good at EVERYTHING. He can carve pipes and tiki men. The guy that every woman falls for and every man is jealous of. That's the guy I fell for too. But that's in the past. Anyway, I was telling him I realized how very little I knew my friends! Which is sad. Between work and school schedules, I need to fit more time in for my friends. This guy told me that we'd have to have lunch sometime, and then he'd tell all. Hmm... *Is thinking he should have asked about 2 years ago before I met my boyfriend*
Speaking of my boyfriend... I love him. <3 Truly and honestly. He's the first guy I ever dated. We technically met online. We've been with each other in person 4 times, over a span of 1 year and almost 2 months of being a couple. When we're together, it's like everything is okay, and I am so calm and peaceful around him. Of course, my mind calm and peaceful leads to me being laid back, which leads to me not caring as much if things get out of hand- physically I mean. We haven't had sex, but definitely gone too far. So, over a year into our relationship, we finally set some boundaries about physicality. No touching under clothes; no touching over clothes in 3 "hot spots" on my body and the 1 "hot spot" on his. Kissing and cuddling is a necessity; but lips do not need to wander to any naturally unexposed skin. No pulling clothing aside. Strict? Yes. Necessary? YES. If we wanna keep our relationship pure and honoring God, then we need to behave a lot more than we have been. And as much as I love my guy, I just wish he had brought it up, so I wouldn't have to. He's a Christian too; but he doesn't seem to take it as seriously as I do/think as much about it. *sigh* I don't want to feel like I'm settling for less than what God's best for me is. But right now, I don't feel like my boyfriend IS God's best. I mean, there's no way we would be together if it weren't for Him. I just don't see how my man is living up to God's standard right now though- if we stay together in the long run, it will be because God has done a major work in my guy's heart. And I pray for it every day.
Anyway... I guess I'll stop rambling about my insecurity of the evening and head to bed. Got a shift at my OTHER job tomorrow. A short one, but still. It's work. Love to all.
Vinya Nata
Vinya Nata. New things. That is what this blog signifies for me, Silyë Núro. A.k.a. "daughter servant." My name, and the title of this blog, are Quenyan. Not Kenyan, as in the African country. Quenyan, as in the Elvish language created by J.R.R. Tolkien, who was a bloody brilliant author and one of my absolute favorites. But I digress; I easily get off subject. Be prepared for a lot of that. But then again, what IS the subject here other than my thoughts and life? In that case, I'll never get off subject.
Back to the Quenya. This language is beautiful, and not many people have access to a full dictionary like I have. Therefore, it will be my language of choice when I name posts. This one is "new things." My 'name', which is obviously an alias, means "daughter servant" like I already said; but my meaning behind it? I am a Christian. I am a Daughter of the King. But I also have a servant's heart, because it is my job to serve others. That is why I am here on earth- to love my God and to serve Him by serving others. Therefore, Silyë Núro.
Even though I am a Christ-follower, I still have issues. I am a real human. I bleed. I cry. I don't always agree with others. Sometimes I fight, kick, and punch. And always, always... I question. This blog will be the thoughts that I don't tell my friends and family and boyfriend. The words I don't think I can share with anyone who knows me without getting put into a mental hospital. So instead, I'll share them with millions of strangers who don't know me. That sounds like a much better plan. Spill my heart to the world while keeping it locked up from those who care about me most. Stain my sleeves red with my bleeding heart.
I'm sure there will be another post later tonight... But for now, I must ready myself for a shift at one of my two jobs.
(By the way, if you choose to follow me so that you can cut me down or make fun of my faith or anything negative... That won't be allowed. Positivity only)
Back to the Quenya. This language is beautiful, and not many people have access to a full dictionary like I have. Therefore, it will be my language of choice when I name posts. This one is "new things." My 'name', which is obviously an alias, means "daughter servant" like I already said; but my meaning behind it? I am a Christian. I am a Daughter of the King. But I also have a servant's heart, because it is my job to serve others. That is why I am here on earth- to love my God and to serve Him by serving others. Therefore, Silyë Núro.
Even though I am a Christ-follower, I still have issues. I am a real human. I bleed. I cry. I don't always agree with others. Sometimes I fight, kick, and punch. And always, always... I question. This blog will be the thoughts that I don't tell my friends and family and boyfriend. The words I don't think I can share with anyone who knows me without getting put into a mental hospital. So instead, I'll share them with millions of strangers who don't know me. That sounds like a much better plan. Spill my heart to the world while keeping it locked up from those who care about me most. Stain my sleeves red with my bleeding heart.
I'm sure there will be another post later tonight... But for now, I must ready myself for a shift at one of my two jobs.
(By the way, if you choose to follow me so that you can cut me down or make fun of my faith or anything negative... That won't be allowed. Positivity only)
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